There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
