shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
