she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
