So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
