i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
