My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
