It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
