My underwear smells like fireworks.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize