Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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