I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
