I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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