I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
