So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
