never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
