I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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