I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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