12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
