Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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