bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
