I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
