when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
