Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
