I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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