The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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