The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
