So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
