Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
