I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
