Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
