Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
