you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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