Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
