Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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