Are we in a gay sports bar?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
