i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
