I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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