ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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