she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
be right there i have to get my cape
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
