The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
