Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Boobs are out for the taking
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
