my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
