when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
