I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
