It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
