um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
