Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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