I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
