The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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