My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize