Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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