My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
