Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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