i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
