well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize