stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Randomize
