BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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