I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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