porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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